What's the best movie you saw in 2016, Jacob? I don't know, here's a few.

Every year, on every corner of the net, various websites post their “top # lists” of what they believed to be the best films released during the last calendar year.  Unfortunately, they’re never subjective like they claim to be.  These lists seem to all include the same movies, just re-arranged.  They usually feature movies that just made a lot of money, but maybe weren’t really that great in retrospect (I’m looking at you, Civil War).  So I decided – along with the requests of so many people – to release my list of the objectively best films of 2016.  Be prepared for controversy.

NOTE: If you don't see certain academy award nominees, it's probably cause I hadn't seen it yet.

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The Top 21 Movies of 2016.

Tier 5 – The actual honorableist of mentions

21. Hush – Seen on October 30^th

This one’s set up like a typical slasher flick: a masked killer terrorizes a girl in her house out in the woods.  Where this film differs is in its unique twist: our heroine is independent, capable, and can take care of herself.  Oh, and she’s deaf.  Her deafness never debilitates her, however, and it’s nice to see a movie like this treat here (dis)ability with such nuance.  Yes, her deafness is the entire reason the movie’s events happen, but she is never seen as the lesser, or unable to take care of herself.  It’s realistic, is what I’m saying.

Tier 4 – Basically the honorable mentions

20. Captain America: Civil War – Seen on May 7^th

I know, I know.  I said it wouldn’t be here, but I have to.  It’s obligatory.  I had a great time with this film, and though I have forgotten most everything about it (except for that airport scene), I can’t help but recommend it - if only just for the airport scene. That scene is seriously the best group fight scene of any action movie in the past several months, at least. There are more action figures on screen than I have buried in the attic, now featuring super punches.  Seriously, it is great to see Marvel take any risk in their movies.  This movie shook up the Triple M (Marvel Movie Machine) as much as any movie could at this point.  It’s always a good time seeing Iron Downey Jr. and Captain Chris throw super punches. 

19. The Lobster – Seen on June 26^th

This movie is odd.  Colin Farrell’s a single dude enrolled in a “mate-up” program, who has a month to find a mate or risk being turned into a shellfish of some kind. The dystopian world presented herein is a reflection on our current world and its obsession with love.  This movie is technically a comedy, but its maybe the darkest comedy.  No quirky music, no one laughs or makes a weird face when somebody dies; it’s just odd people in odd situations.  Ben Whishaw’s character, for instance, purposefully hits his face on things just so he and the nosebleed girl will have something to talk about.  Butter go out and see The Lobster today!

18. Spy  – Seen on January 23^rd

I wouldn’t consider myself a McCarthy fan.  I like to know all evidence of something before I make any assumptions or accusations.  I assumed Spy would be another run-of-the-mill Melissa McCarthy vehicle - I was wrong.  This movie was funny and well written.  Melissa works as a secretary in a spy agency.  After several plot points, she enters the field as an agent herself.  There’s a strong secret-agent story here, with solid action, and a solid twist.  It’s also hilarious, and I laughed hard many times (lookin’ at you Rose Byrne and Jason Statham).  It’s a solid comedy that should hold up. 

17. Synecdoche, New York – Seen on May 2^nd 

Schenectady, New York is a surrealist’s fever dream.  Basically, after Phillip Seymour Hoffman puts on a successful play, he slowly loses his mind in an effort to top his original work.  He begins writing a story about his life, as his life happens, with his life happening around him, while the movie’s happening, while events happen during his life, which he writes about, which we are witnessing, but he’s also writing about, but also performing, while we watch…  This movie is basically a run-on sentence.  There’s a perpetually burning house, a warehouse with a full-scale model of Manhattan within, then inside that is another full-scale model of Manhattan.  It’s crazy, yet incredibly self-reflective and relatable, which has become a trope of Charlie Kaufman’s work.  If I had any critique at all, it’s maybe a little high-concept. Prepare to see Charlie Kaufman’s name a few times on this list.

16. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story  – Seen on December 27^th

I originally forgot to put this movie on here - The bad thing about the Star Wars Series now is that it’s a given they’ll be one every year - which almost guarantees it will be on every Top List of that year - which means it almost doesn’t need to be mentioned.  I’m including it for a few reasons:  1) Diverse cast (everyone is “not-a-white-dude”), 2) Awesome battles (the Scarif battle is actually amazing), 3) That robot is the best.  The plot is entertaining, but ultimately doesn’t matter; it’s a prequel to a New Hope, so you know how this ends. I’ll look forward to watching this amongst my yearly Star Wars marathons, but I’ll probably never watch it on its own.  Rogue One is better than all prequels and New Hope, but worse than the rest. 

Tier 3 – Stuff you’ve probably considering watching at least once

15. Adaptation – Seen on December 9^th

Oh look, there goes Charlie Kaufman again.  What can I say; I’m a big fan.  The concept of this picture alone is the most memorable part.  It’s about Nicolas Cage’s spiral into anxiety trying to adapt an inadaptable book.  The plot falls apart around the middle of the movie when it turns into a boring action thriller – which, if you pay attention to the plot, is the point, really. We experience Nic’s proverbial Cage build around himself as he builds it.  It’s self-aware without looking to the camera and saying, “Golly Gee, I’m self-aware.”  It’s meta-narrative at it’s best, and it’s written fantastically.  Go for Nicolas Cage, stay for two Nicolas Cages. 

14. Swiss Army Man – Seen on July 4^th 

The reputation for Swiss Army man preceded it - I had heard of the infamous “farting-corpse” film circulating film festivals, which, of course, made me want to see it even more.  I loved it.  It’s an odd love-story and a coming-of-age film wrapped in one.  There comes a point when the events of the film become so absurd you have to just lose yourself in what’s happening on screen, and just accept it.  A guy tries to kill himself and then befriends a dead body that washes ashore.  He repurposes the “poot-cadaver” into a gun, a grappling hook, an axe, etc.  Daniel Radcliffe plays a great dead person.  I’m not saying I want Daniel Radcliffe to die, but if his real life corpse is anywhere near as animated as it is here - He’d better watch his back.  That wasn’t a threat, don’t hurt me Daniel. 

13. 12 Angry Men (1957) – Seen on February 18^th 

It’s a bottle episode: twelve white dudes on a jury decide the fate of the accused.  This movie works well for a few reasons: 1) the cast is as diverse as twelve white dudes can be (vastly different backgrounds, ages, and experiences), 2a) the dialogue doesn’t really feature any “of-the-time” 1957 mentality, they’re just real people discussing real things, 2b) every character is fully developed and realized without falling into caricaturization.  Even the racists in this group are three-dimensional, and are written like real people.  It’s cool to see people talk to each other, think things out, and sometimes change their mind.  Y’know like real people.

12. Anomalisa – Seen on September 24^th 

Speaking of real people, this movie features none.  This here is number three from cough- cough- Kaufman, and for good reason. Unlike Kubo (which I haven’t seen), which uses animation to present colorful and impossible imagery, Anomalisa uses animation to tell a regular story about a regular guy.  This film follows a stop-motion animated writer named Michael, and his newfound obsession with a stop-motion animated fan, while he deals with his mundane stop-motion animated life over a few stop-motion animated days.  If you like relatable pictures, you’ll like.

11. Arrival – Seen on November 18^th

Denis Villeneuve is a master.  Every movie of his is great.  Even the mostly forgettable Prisoners still has amazing cinematography, amazing performances by Hugh Jackman and Jake Gylenhaal, and... Oh - Arrival is a very focused and realistic look at what it would be like if aliens decided to just stop by one day.  They have no pattern to the location of their ships; don’t expect to see one over NYC (New York City).  The aliens are heptapods with seven legs, which, as crazy as that sounds, is more realistic than the bipedal renditions we see in everything else.  Also, everyone wants to blow them up, which is the most realistic part of it all.   Amy Adams and Jeremy Renner are great in this.  So is Forrest Whitaker, but he isn’t given much dimension, he’s just a quick-trigger sergeant.  Arrival is the third-best Villeneuve picture, right after Enemy and Sicario.

Tier 2 – Atypical selections

10. Slither – Seen on October 5^th 

James Gunn!  Everyone loves Guardians of the Galaxy but nobody ever talks about the movies that came before; his better movies.  Slither’s the best of them all.  A horror comedy, Slither’s about blood-sucking worm-creatures taking over a small rural town.  Full of practical effects and Nathan Fillion, this one’s a grand time.  The jokes are funny all the time, and the horror is gross every time.  Featuring almost entirely practical effects.  Seriously, this shit can be gross (Exploding woman, anybody?)  Grossly underappreciated!

9. The Fly (1986) – Seen on June 2^nd

Speaking of gross, this movie is super gross. By this point you should know the basic plot:  A scientist (a Goldblum type) wants to study teleportation, but a VHS copy of The Fly (1958) flies into the teleportation pod, also.  The actual transformation of Goldblum into Brundle-Fly is incredibly disgusting and a Cronenbergian dreamscape.  However, his personal transformation is actually incredibly nuanced, and is probably Goldblum’s best dramatic performance.  It’s amazing to see a devoted scientist so dedicated to his studies that, even when he is the subject of an experiment; he is willing to do whatever he needs to further scientific thought; even if he has to completely reject his humanity. 

8. Clerks – Seen on January 24^th

If you’ve ever worked retail, this movie is your life.  There isn’t a better movie that captures the employee/customer dynamic like Clerks.  I wish Kevin Smith still made movies as bold as this.  Tusk was the last movie of his I saw that really blew me away, and just like Clerks, Tusk didn’t give a damn.  It’s a movie about Justin Long getting abruptly and painfully transformed into a walrus.  A walrus.  Clerks.  Clerks is a movie that talks like people do.  It features people we’ve all met, situations we’ve all experienced, customers we’ve all dealt with. It’s just like real life, and sometimes you need to see a reflection of your own life on screen to realize what’s really going on.  What I’m saying is Yoga Hosers was pretty disappointing.

7. X-MEN: Days of Future Past – Seen on May 27^th

No movie during the Triple M era has succeeded so much in fitting this many characters, multiple stories, and time travel into one cohesive and coherent package.  This film serves as a redeeming sequel to the alright Last Stand, a direct sequel to the pretty good Wolverine, and a fantastic sequel to the already great First Class.  It has an amazing character in Quicksilver, who is pretty much the opposite of the Quicksilver seen in Age of Ultron.  Magneto goes full evil, Xavier’s redemption story is amazing, Mystique’s motivations are questioned, and Wolverine’s character grows on his “never-ending” arc.  The future is scary, the past is uncertain.  It’s just a great drama, with action, suspense, and romance; all wrapped in a sci-fi ribbon.  I want Fox to make all of Marvel’s movies.  This is easily the best X-MEN movie ever made, and honestly my favorite superhero movie.  That is until Deadpool came out.

6. Room (2015) – Seen on January 28^th

Let me paint a picture for you:  It’s me in the center of the theatre by myself.  About four rows back, a few seats to the left sits a middle-aged woman, also by herself.  Only two or so rows in front of me, but all the way to the right of the theater, was a solitary elderly couple.  The four of us spent two hours attempting to stifle our tears, whilst hearing a chorus of sniffles all around.  This movie is a tear minefield - which is fine, because it’s a wonderful film.  It’s interesting to see our world through the eyes of a child who was raised in a garage.  It’s also very powerful seeing a mother’s point of view in this situation. Make room in your schedule to see this one!

Tier 1 – Bet you wouldn’t ‘a guessed I’d pick these titles. READ ON to find out more

5. The Wrestler – Seen on April 14^th

This is an atypical movie for Darren Aronofsky.  He’s known for his psychologically dark studies on the human condition, as seen in Requiem for a Dream and Black Swan.  He’s also known to make sci-fi films of questionable quality and realism, as seen in The Fountain and Noah.  He’s acting out of character here:  The Wrestler is a stripped down, A to B story.  It’s about a has-been professional wrester’s struggle for purpose in his post-career.   I hate to say the first time I saw Mickey Rourke in anything it was Iron Man 2; and, let’s be honest: he was the best part of that movie.  He puts on a killer performance as this wrestler, the relationship he has with his daughter is compelling in its elation as well as its tragedy.  Great movie, this one.

4. Inside Llewyn Davis – Seen on July 1^st

Twenty years from now this will be considered a new Coen Bros. classic, no doubt.  This is easily their most underrated, besides The Hudsucker Proxy of course.  It’s about a folk singer navigating the folk scene of sixties.  He just wants to be taken seriously as a solo artist after his partner killed himself.   His music is powerful, painful and real.  I didn’t know Oscar Isaac could sing before I saw this.  I didn’t know Justin Timberlake could act before I saw this.  T-Bone put together the soundtrack, and it’s the best soundtrack of any movie, probably.  I love the Coen Bros. I love this movie.

3. Wet Hot American Summer  – Seen on April 15^th and May 10^th

I had never heard of this movie until Netflix released the prequel series, The First Day of Camp.  Absurd, to say the least, WHAS came out near the end of the late-summer-teen-sexy-stoner movie trend of the nineties and naughty noughties.  It’s a parody that went over the head of its audience.  I laughed more in this absurd movie than I ever thought I would: from it’s crazy arts and crafts counselor, to the crazy talent show at the climax of the film.  Starring a ton of actors who have since become stars: Paul Rudd, Amy Poehler, Bradley Cooper, Elizabeth Banks, Jo Lo Truglio, etc. Though, David Hyde Pearce might have been the best character.

2. Deadpool – Seen on February 14^th and May 13^th

Deadpool’s M.O. is meta-humor, which is the best kind.  Every moment he’s making a joke at his weird “Baraka-From-Mortal-Kombat” appearance in that perfect X-MEN: Origins movie, or his really cool animated green suit from Green Lantern.  There’s disappointingly little mention of his time in Blade: Trinity, which ruins the movie.  0/10.  In all seriousness the action in this movie is dope, the humor is dope, etc.  I’m a little worried the jokes might be outdated in a few years, but I don’t care.  For now, and for all of last year, it was amazing.  This is easily the best X-MEN movie ever made, and honestly my favorite superhero movie.  That is until Logan came out.

1. Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping – Seen on June 4^th and June 11^th

Are you surprised?  Me too. Popstar is a mockumentary about “Bieber-type,” Conner4Real (Andy Samberg); his rise, his fall, his comeback with his crew - all wrapped in an insanely funny script.  Written and directed by the Lonely Island aka The Style Boyz, produced by Judd Apatow.  They’re cameos left and right.  It has a killer soundtrack that’s actually good and still funny all these months later.  When I thought about how much I laughed during this movie, how many times I’ve seen this movie, how many times I’ve recommended this movie, etc.; The answer was obvious.   This is the best movie of the year.  Popstar really is the new standard for comedy films, and without a doubt the best movie of 2016, objectively.  It’s my opinion, so it’s objective, right?

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-Jacob