Every year, on every corner of the net, various websites
post their “top # lists” of what they believed to be the best films released
during the last calendar year. Unfortunately,
they’re never subjective like they claim to be.
These lists seem to all include the same movies, just re-arranged. They usually feature movies that just made a
lot of money, but maybe weren’t really that great in retrospect (I’m looking at
you, Civil War). So I decided – along
with the requests of so many people –
to release my list of the objectively best
films of 2016. Be prepared for controversy.
NOTE: If you don't see certain academy award nominees, it's probably cause I hadn't seen it yet.
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The Top 21 Movies of 2016.
Tier 5 – The actual honorableist
of mentions
21. Hush – Seen on October 30th

This one’s set up like a typical slasher flick: a masked
killer terrorizes a girl in her house out in the woods. Where this film differs is in its unique
twist: our heroine is independent, capable, and can take care of herself. Oh, and she’s deaf. Her deafness never debilitates her, however,
and it’s nice to see a movie like this treat here (dis)ability with such
nuance. Yes, her deafness is the entire
reason the movie’s events happen, but she is never seen as the lesser, or
unable to take care of herself. It’s
realistic, is what I’m saying.
Tier 4 – Basically the
honorable mentions
20.
Captain America: Civil War – Seen on
May 7
th

I know, I know. I
said it wouldn’t be here, but I have to.
It’s obligatory. I had a great
time with this film, and though I have forgotten most everything about it
(except for that airport scene), I can’t help but recommend it - if only just for
the airport scene. That scene is seriously the best group fight scene of any
action movie in the past several months, at least. There are more action
figures on screen than I have buried in the attic, now featuring
super punches. Seriously, it is great to see Marvel take
any risk in their movies. This movie shook up the Triple M (Marvel
Movie Machine) as much as any movie could at this point. It’s always a good time seeing Iron Downey
Jr. and Captain Chris throw
super punches.
19. The Lobster – Seen on June 26th

This movie is odd.
Colin Farrell’s a single dude enrolled in a “mate-up” program, who has a
month to find a mate or risk being turned into a shellfish of some kind. The
dystopian world presented herein is a reflection on our current world and its
obsession with love. This movie is technically
a comedy, but its maybe the darkest comedy.
No quirky music, no one laughs or makes a weird face when somebody dies;
it’s just odd people in odd situations. Ben
Whishaw’s character, for instance, purposefully hits his face on things just so
he and the nosebleed girl will have something to talk about.
Butter go
out and see
The Lobster today!
18. Spy – Seen on January 23rd

I wouldn’t consider myself a McCarthy fan.
I like to know all evidence of something
before I make any assumptions or accusations.
I assumed
Spy would be another
run-of-the-mill Melissa McCarthy vehicle - I was wrong.
This movie was funny
and well written.
Melissa
works as a secretary in a spy agency.
After several plot points, she enters the field as an agent
herself.
There’s a strong secret-agent
story here, with solid action, and a solid twist.
It’s also hilarious, and I laughed hard many
times (lookin’ at you Rose Byrne and Jason Statham).
It’s a solid comedy that
should hold up.
17. Synecdoche, New York – Seen on May 2nd
Schenectady, New York
is a surrealist’s fever dream.
Basically, after Phillip Seymour Hoffman puts on a successful play, he
slowly loses his mind in an effort to top his original work.
He begins writing a story about his life, as
his life happens, with his life happening around him, while the movie’s
happening, while events happen during his life, which he writes about, which we
are witnessing, but he’s also writing about, but also performing, while we
watch…
This movie is basically a run-on
sentence.
There’s a perpetually burning
house, a warehouse with a full-scale model of Manhattan within, then
inside that is another full-scale model
of Manhattan.
It’s crazy, yet incredibly
self-reflective and relatable, which has become a trope of Charlie Kaufman’s
work.
If I had any critique at all, it’s
maybe a
little high-concept. Prepare to
see Charlie Kaufman’s name a few times on this list.
16. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story – Seen on
December 27th

I originally forgot to put this movie on here - The bad
thing about the
Star Wars Series now
is that it’s a given they’ll be one every year - which almost guarantees it will
be on every Top List of that year - which means it almost doesn’t need to be
mentioned.
I’m including it for a few
reasons:
1) Diverse cast (everyone is
“not-a-white-dude”), 2) Awesome battles (the Scarif battle is actually
amazing), 3) That robot is the best.
The plot is entertaining, but ultimately
doesn’t matter; it’s a prequel to a New Hope, so you know how this ends. I’ll
look forward to watching this amongst my yearly
Star Wars marathons, but I’ll probably never watch it on its
own.
Rogue
One is better than all prequels and
New
Hope, but worse than the rest.
Tier 3 – Stuff you’ve probably
considering watching at least once
15.
Adaptation – Seen on December 9
th

Oh look, there goes Charlie Kaufman again.
What can I say; I’m a big fan.
The concept of this picture alone is the most
memorable part.
It’s about Nicolas
Cage’s spiral into anxiety trying to adapt an inadaptable book.
The plot falls apart around the middle of the
movie when it turns into a boring action thriller – which, if you pay attention
to the plot, is the point, really. We experience Nic’s proverbial Cage build
around himself as he builds it.
It’s
self-aware without looking to the camera and saying, “Golly Gee, I’m
self-aware.”
It’s meta-narrative at it’s
best, and it’s written fantastically.
Go
for Nicolas Cage, stay for two Nicolas Cages.
14. Swiss Army Man – Seen on July 4th

The reputation for
Swiss
Army man preceded it - I had heard of the infamous “farting-corpse” film circulating
film festivals, which, of course, made me want to see it even more.
I loved it.
It’s an odd love-story and a coming-of-age film wrapped in one.
There comes a point when the events of the
film become so absurd you have to just lose yourself in what’s happening on
screen, and just accept it.
A guy tries
to kill himself and then befriends a dead body that washes ashore.
He repurposes the “poot-cadaver” into a gun,
a grappling hook, an axe, etc.
Daniel
Radcliffe plays a great dead person.
I’m
not saying I want Daniel Radcliffe to die, but if his real life corpse is anywhere
near as animated as it is here - He’d better watch his back.
That wasn’t a threat, don’t hurt me Daniel.
13. 12 Angry Men (1957) – Seen on February 18th

It’s a bottle episode: twelve white dudes on a jury decide the
fate of the accused.
This movie works well
for a few reasons: 1) the cast is as diverse as twelve white dudes can be (vastly
different backgrounds, ages, and experiences), 2a) the dialogue doesn’t really
feature any “of-the-time” 1957 mentality, they’re just real people discussing
real things, 2b) every character is fully developed and realized without
falling into caricaturization.
Even the
racists in this group are three-dimensional, and are written like real
people.
It’s cool to see people talk to
each other, think things out, and sometimes change their mind.
Y’know like real people.
12. Anomalisa – Seen on September 24th

Speaking of real people, this movie features none.
This here is number three from cough- cough-
Kaufman, and for good reason. Unlike
Kubo
(which I haven’t seen), which uses animation to present colorful and
impossible imagery,
Anomalisa uses
animation to tell a regular story about a regular guy.
This film follows a stop-motion animated
writer named Michael, and his newfound obsession with a stop-motion animated
fan, while he deals with his mundane stop-motion animated life over a few stop-motion
animated days. If you like relatable
pictures, you’ll like.
11. Arrival – Seen on November 18th

Denis Villeneuve is a master.
Every movie of his is great.
Even the mostly forgettable
Prisoners still has amazing
cinematography, amazing performances by Hugh Jackman and Jake Gylenhaal, and...
Oh - Arrival is a very focused and realistic look at what it would be like if
aliens decided to just stop by one day.
They
have no pattern to the location of their ships; don’t expect to see one over
NYC (New York City).
The aliens are
heptapods with seven legs, which, as crazy as that sounds, is more realistic
than the bipedal renditions we see in everything else.
Also, everyone wants to blow them up, which
is the most realistic part of it all.
Amy Adams and Jeremy Renner are great in this.
So is Forrest Whitaker, but he isn’t given
much dimension, he’s just a quick-trigger sergeant.
Arrival
is the third-best Villeneuve picture, right after
Enemy and
Sicario.
Tier 2 – Atypical selections
10. Slither – Seen on October 5th

James Gunn!
Everyone
loves
Guardians of the Galaxy but
nobody ever talks about the movies that came before; his better movies.
Slither’s
the best of them all.
A horror comedy,
Slither’s about blood-sucking worm-creatures
taking over a small rural town.
Full of
practical effects and Nathan Fillion, this one’s a grand time.
The jokes are funny all the time, and the
horror is gross every time.
Featuring almost
entirely practical effects.
Seriously, this shit can be
gross (Exploding woman, anybody?)
Grossly
underappreciated!
9. The Fly (1986) – Seen on June 2nd

Speaking of gross, this movie is
super gross. By this point you should know the basic plot:
A scientist (a Goldblum type) wants to study teleportation,
but a VHS copy of
The Fly (1958)
flies into the teleportation pod, also.
The actual transformation of Goldblum into Brundle-Fly is incredibly disgusting
and a Cronenbergian dreamscape.
However,
his
personal transformation is
actually incredibly nuanced, and is probably Goldblum’s best dramatic
performance.
It’s amazing to see a
devoted scientist so dedicated to his studies that, even when he is the subject
of an experiment; he is willing to do whatever he needs to further scientific
thought; even if he has to completely reject his humanity.
8. Clerks – Seen on January 24th

If you’ve ever worked retail, this movie is your life.
There isn’t a better movie that captures the
employee/customer dynamic like Clerks.
I
wish Kevin Smith still made movies as bold as this.
Tusk was
the last movie of his I saw that really blew me away, and just like
Clerks, Tusk didn’t give a
damn.
It’s a movie about Justin Long getting abruptly and painfully
transformed into a walrus.
A
walrus.
Clerks. Clerks
is a movie that talks like people do.
It
features people we’ve all met, situations we’ve all experienced, customers
we’ve all dealt with. It’s just like real life, and sometimes you need to see a
reflection of your own life on screen to realize what’s really going on.
What I’m saying is
Yoga Hosers was pretty disappointing.
7. X-MEN: Days of Future Past – Seen on
May 27th

No movie during the Triple M era has succeeded so much in
fitting this many characters, multiple stories,
and time travel into one cohesive and coherent package.
This film serves as a redeeming sequel to the
alright
Last Stand, a direct sequel
to the pretty good
Wolverine, and a
fantastic sequel to the already great
First
Class. It has an amazing character
in Quicksilver, who is pretty much the opposite of the Quicksilver seen in
Age of Ultron.
Magneto goes full evil, Xavier’s redemption
story is amazing, Mystique’s motivations are questioned, and Wolverine’s
character grows on his “never-ending” arc.
The future is scary, the past is
uncertain.
It’s just a
great drama, with action, suspense, and
romance; all wrapped in a sci-fi ribbon.
I want Fox to make all of Marvel’s movies.
This is easily the best
X-MEN movie ever made, and honestly my favorite superhero movie.
That is until
Deadpool came out.
6. Room (2015) – Seen on January 28th

Let me paint a picture for you:
It’s me in the center of the theatre by
myself.
About four rows back, a few
seats to the left sits a middle-aged woman, also by herself.
Only two or so rows in front of me, but all
the way to the right of the theater, was a solitary elderly couple.
The four of us spent two hours attempting to
stifle our tears, whilst hearing a chorus of sniffles all around.
This movie is a tear minefield - which is
fine, because it’s a wonderful film.
It’s
interesting to see our world through the eyes of a child who was raised in a
garage.
It’s also very powerful seeing a
mother’s point of view in this situation. Make
room in your schedule to see this one!
Tier 1 – Bet you wouldn’t
‘a guessed I’d pick these titles. READ ON to find out more
5. The Wrestler – Seen on April 14th

This is an atypical movie for Darren Aronofsky.
He’s known for his psychologically dark studies
on the human condition, as seen in
Requiem
for a Dream and
Black Swan. He’s also known to make sci-fi films of questionable
quality and realism, as seen in
The
Fountain and
Noah. He’s acting out of character here:
The
Wrestler is a stripped down, A to B story.
It’s about a has-been professional wrester’s struggle for purpose in his
post-career.
I hate to say the first time I saw Mickey
Rourke in anything it was
Iron Man 2; and,
let’s be honest: he was the best part of that movie.
He puts on a killer performance as this
wrestler, the relationship he has with his daughter is compelling in its
elation as well as its tragedy.
Great
movie, this one.
4. Inside Llewyn Davis – Seen on July 1st

Twenty years from now this will be considered a new Coen
Bros. classic, no doubt.
This is easily
their most underrated, besides
The
Hudsucker Proxy of course.
It’s
about a folk singer navigating the folk scene of sixties.
He just wants to be taken seriously as a solo
artist after his partner killed himself.
His music is powerful, painful and real.
I didn’t know Oscar Isaac could sing before I saw this.
I didn’t know Justin Timberlake could act
before I saw this.
T-Bone put together
the soundtrack, and it’s the best soundtrack of any movie, probably.
I love the Coen Bros. I love this movie.
3. Wet Hot American Summer – Seen on April 15th and May 10th

I had never heard of this movie until Netflix released the
prequel series,
The First Day of
Camp. Absurd, to say the least,
WHAS came out near the end of the
late-summer-teen-sexy-stoner movie trend of the nineties and naughty
noughties.
It’s a parody that went over
the head of its audience.
I laughed more
in this absurd movie than I ever thought I would: from it’s crazy arts and
crafts counselor, to the crazy talent show at the climax of the film.
Starring a ton of actors who have since
become stars: Paul Rudd, Amy Poehler, Bradley Cooper, Elizabeth Banks, Jo Lo
Truglio, etc. Though, David Hyde Pearce might have been the best character.
2. Deadpool – Seen on February 14th
and May 13th

Deadpool’s M.O. is meta-humor, which is the best kind.
Every moment he’s making a joke at his weird
“Baraka-From-Mortal-Kombat” appearance in that perfect
X-MEN: Origins movie, or his
really
cool animated green suit from
Green
Lantern. There’s disappointingly
little mention of his time in
Blade:
Trinity, which ruins the movie.
0/10.
In all seriousness the
action in this movie is dope, the humor is dope, etc.
I’m a
little
worried the jokes might be outdated in a few years, but I don’t care.
For now, and for all of last year, it was
amazing.
This is easily the best
X-MEN movie ever made, and honestly my
favorite superhero movie.
That is until
Logan came out.
1. Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping –
Seen on June 4th and June 11th

Are you surprised?
Me
too.
Popstar is a mockumentary about
“Bieber-type,” Conner4Real (Andy Samberg); his rise, his fall, his comeback
with his crew - all wrapped in an insanely funny script.
Written and directed by the Lonely Island aka
The Style Boyz, produced by Judd Apatow.
They’re cameos left and right.
It
has a killer soundtrack that’s actually good and
still funny all these months later.
When I thought about how much I laughed during this movie, how many
times I’ve seen this movie, how many times I’ve recommended this movie, etc.;
The answer was obvious.
This is the
best movie of the year.
Popstar really is the new standard for comedy
films, and without a doubt
the best movie
of 2016, objectively.
It’s my
opinion, so it’s objective, right?
---
-Jacob